I'm getting that things-aren't-gonna-get-any-better-for-me-no-matter-how-much-i-do-yoga-meditate-pray-this-is-as-good-as-i'm-gonna-be kind of feeling. I'm a fuck-up in yogi's clothing, suspended in the air on the upward swing of a pendulum, on the side of goodness and sainthood, preparing to careen back to slovenliness and diabolism. The latter side has some major air resistance.
I haven't gotten caught, but that doesn't mean i'm getting away with anything. I wish lying didn't come as easily to me as it does. I smoke too much pot to remember all the stories i tell to cover my ass.
There's been no shift, no opening, no fresh start. I'm carrying the suck of 2006, the slimy, leaking garbage bag that 2006 was, right on in to 2007. This will be a year of reckoning. I hope. And i hope not. I hope i can pay for the shit i've fucked up without ending up feeling too bad about myself. But that's just another way of trying to get out of the mess i've made. I've gotta pay for the shit i've fucked up, whether it feels good or no. It's gonna be no. My body is getting itchy thinking about how much i screwed up this year. Now, screwing up isn't nearly as fun as it used to be. Let's just say this:
1) I can no longer fool myself into hunger when all i want is to taste.
2) I've had eight glasses of water today and my lips are still dry.
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2 comments:
Like your blog, isnt it the ideal profile for a cop? I mean ur killing 2 birds with one stone...you have the underage stoner girl...you can catch pfiles AND druggies. I saw an ad for this blog on craigslist and it read how do u feel about 420 TESTIFY here...testify eh? Well like my law enf. professor always said "Only the stupid ones get caught"
But she's not underage! She said how old she was in one of the first entries. Have more faith in people! This blog seems pretty real to me.
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