Ew.

A commentor keeps insisting that my writing style is "victim-y." I am insulted by this to no end. I wish i weren't because i feel like my being insulted only feeds his opinion that i'm a victim. I'm sure that the best, noblest, high-roadiest thing to do would be to ignore him. Thank God i'm not that noble.

I'm angry because i'm doing my best to live my life in a responsible way and take responsibility for both my actions and my emotions. There was a time when i didn't. When i was going out with Th Ex, i was prepared to blame anyone but me for my sorrows. From the inside, i recognize the difference in how my life is shaping.

And blaming God for my troubles doesn't count as victimhood. Like i wrote in last night's post, i've grown to learn that one's relatioship to God is wholly unique. It takes a lot out of a person to be so responsible; sometimes i need to give it up to a higher power. We all feel like victims at some point or another and when i see my mind about to launch into a crazy, self-pitying rant, ("The fucking bank screwimg me over! My fucking Ex screwing me over! Fucking New York City screwing me over!") I try it out on God first. Almost 100% of the time, the fault can be traced back to wrong speech or wrong thinking or wrong action on my part. Because i meditate fairly often, i've gotten used to seeing some of the workings and the patterns of my mind. I do my best not to deny any of those patterns, but rather embrace them all as the unique, lively and bright colors that paint the mural of my mind. Because i'm so very open to all of the parts of my consciousness, my vulnerability may come across to some as victimhood. I read a lot of blogs, especially NYC gossip blogs (my dirty little secret is that i love celebrity gossip, so if you ever have any, let me know.), and there's lots of snarkiness and sarcasm. I'm doing pretty much the opposite here and showing myself to readers when i'm weak and confused and hurt. You might recognize these states of being in yourself; how often is it okay to sit with these states without trying to change them? How often are any of us able to sit in our own awkwardness without trying to cover it up with bravado or cynicism? How often are any of us willing to admit we're scared? But we all are: scared, confused, awkward, angry, "victim-y." We are also all beautiful, loving, strong and kind. One set of qualities isn't better than the other and running away from one and toward another only creates more suffering. Pema Chodron says it better than i do in her book The Wisdom of No Escape.

This is not an improvement plan; it is not a situation in which you try to be better than you are right now. If you have a bad temper and you feel that you harm yourself and others, you might think that sitting for a week or a month will make your bad temper go away- you will be that sweet person you always wanted to be. Never again will a harsh word leave your lily-white lips. The problem is that a desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hang-ups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth. Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.

By my example of showing myself at my worst, at my most frightened and not running away, i believe i will 1) strike a very deep and real chord in you the readers and 2) suggest that we don't have to hide the crazy as often as we think because everyone else is too busy hiding their own crazy to notice ours.

But this is the Internet and if i'm putting myself out there, i'm prepared to be insulted once in a while or come across someone who's travelling in a very different world than i am. Or maybe even often. So bring it on. I'm my worst critic (as well as my #1 Fan!), therefore it's unlikely you can do more damage than i've already done to myself.

xo,
SG