30 November 2006

Cake and Ice Cream

Right now, i'm eating cake and ice cream and i don't have to wake up before noon tomorrow. And i'm ston-edy-stone-stoned. Matthew Fox and Tenacious D are on SNL this week. I love them. Matthew Fox is so hunky. He's totally not my type, but i lurve him anyways.
"ER" is playing in the background. I haven't watched this show in a long time. I'm shocked that it hasn't imploded under the weight of its own absurdity. And characters. There are so many characters. It's been on since i was in high school. And high school just keeps getting farther and farther away. High school didn't get along with me, but i've been feeling nostalgic for it lately. I think i'm worried about getting older.

29 November 2006

And We're Back.

Many of you will remember this post about The Ex. A lot of you commented or e-mailed me directly your disgust with him. "[W]e've both never had a decent boyfriend." "Make him persue your company, and if he doesn't, well.. youre better off darling." A friend we have in common and who reads the blog told me that even if The Ex was blind to it, he could see my rising strength. So, thanks to all of you for your encouragement. And for all of you who have been missing me: ditto. Here it is.

A few weeks ago, The Ex called me and offered to smoke the peace pipe and have a talk about why he reacted the way he did. I truly wasn't interested. I just was really okay with not knowing about his personal life. I wrote him a kind e-mail thanking him, but declining for the time being. I ended telling him that there would be many smokings of the peace pipe together in the future.

A few days later, he calls me and leaves a voicemail that's very insistent that we talk. We couldn' t arrange a time to get together in person and i was ready to hear what he had to say. So we spoke on the phone. I did a lot of breathing before we talked. Good thing. He says:

(clears throat) So, DeeDee (a woman we collaborated on in a performance piece in 2004) and i were having a casual relationship. (In my mind, not a big shocker; she's his type. And yet, something in the back of my mind, something that someone told me about DeeDee a few months ago) And while weweresleepingtogether, she was sleeping with someone else. Not a big deal, it was casual. And she got pregnant. (Ah. Right.) And she had a little girl and we did the paternity tests, and it's mine.

Wow is what i said. Oh my fucking God, you fucking retarded (i hate using that word, but that is what i thought. Does that make me like Michael Richards? I get confronted with a stressful situation and my true feelings about mentally or physically challenged people comes out? We are a society that is good at hiding things.) stupid fucking fucking stupid what the fuck were you thinking you're an idiot fucking moron is what i thought. The thought went on longer, but after that it's just variations on a theme and i think you get the picture.

Yeah. The fucking Ex who was stilling fucking me 19 months ago is a dad. That is some fo' evah shit.

It's only been 19 days since i found out, but i'm already laughing about the absurdity of the whole thing: a casual relationship turning into the most permanent relationship there is. He'll always be that little girl's daddy and DeeDee will always be his babymomma. Remember that song that went something like "That's just my Babydaddy?" Can someone please send me a link to it? Thanks.

Oh, and about the contest. Like, two of you entered and i need more competition than that. I never thought i'd be such a capitalist. I'm extending the deadline till New Year's Eve.

Nice to see you again.

SG

15 November 2006

Later

Thanks for all of your concern and i'm sorry to have broken my promise about writing once a day till thanksgiving. The voices in my head have finally stopped screaming, wailing, laughing and growling and i'm managing to write again. Some shit is still hitting the fan, so i need to do my best to duck and cover. When i finally can write about what's going on, i think you're gonna really enjoy it. It's good gossip stuff, but i'm still taking the high road at the moment and waiting to expound.

Later,
SG

10 November 2006

Too Much.

I once watched a PBS show about a family dealing with one of their sons getting leukemia. He got to the point where he was dying and was spending all of his time in the hospital. I remember very distinctly a shot of him holding a photo of himself laughing on the beach during the family's last vacation together. He kept asking where his mom was because she rarely visited him. Not because she was cruel, but because she refused to acknowledge the fact that he was not going to get better. When the doctors called his grandmother after the mother stopped returning messages, they found out that most of the family didn't know that he was dying or even that sick. Aided by the grandmom, they finally got the mother to come in. The head doctor had to look her point blank in the face and say, "There is no hope for your son."

Something in my life has needed to die for a long time, but until today i didn't see how close to death it already was. We humans are very good at being blind. When the funeral is over (i may have already missed it.) , i will write more. Till then, behind a haze of dull smoke, be well.

SG

09 November 2006

Grass Roots

Question #7 lost 44% to 56%. That's amazing. The fact that it was on the ballot in the first place blows my mind. I know it's Nevada, the state where you can do whatever the fuck you want as long as it makes some money, but i had the idea that this wasn't the kind of measure that any state in the US would consider.

Question #7 only lost by 7%. Almost 50% of Nevada's voters want marijuana to be legalized. We should be encouraged by this. We should be motivated by this. I don't think New York is that much more uptight than Nevada. It could very conceivably be legal here.

Let's fucking do it. Let's get that shit legalized. It'll be the grassiest grass roots campaign ever.

SG

08 November 2006

Here Is a Poem.

People think they're awful & wait
for someone to realize it. Meantime,
they try to hide the awful, shrugginh
their shoulders, bowing their heads, letting
their huge, fat bellies fall to their
knees.

The black dredge, the black drudge, the
black dregs, the plaque, the resin, the residue,
the gunk, the trash, the dirt, the
garbage of which their hearts are made
beat like a bullet.
Please don't find me. Please don't find out.

SG

DrunkGrrrl (sorry for the typos.)

So as you all know, i'm StonedGrrrl, not DrunkGrrrl. My friend, Bev, has been going through some pretty fucked up and lame shit lately and her DOC is alcohol. Thus, i've been drinking more. I mean, who wants to drink alone? Drinking with her, going out to bars has really made me question the validity of marijuana prohibition. It's Tuesday night and there were plenty of folks at the Westside Tavern getting fucked up. It's a school night for Christ's sake. I'm fucked up because i was trying to keep up with Bev and because this bald, overweight, but probably nice guy kept buying us drinks. If he had been buying us bong hits instead of shots, i doubt i'd have such a hard time hitting the right letters on my keyboard. I know this point has been argued to death, but alcohol causes more trouble than weed. So why can i get arrested for being high and why am i given a free pass for being drunk?

I think everything should be legal and i think each person should develop his or her own moral compass. Each action i take has its consequences. I shouldn't be deter from performing an action because i'm scared i'll get caught. I should be deterred from performing an action because i'm aware of how the results will affect me and those around me. Have you guys read The Dispossessed? Ursula K. LeGuin explains it better than even my sober self could. Basically, she describes a society in which people understand that the laws of karma are greater than the laws of man. No one gets away with anything.

Ugh. Even when i get too stoned, i still feel ok. Right now, i'm too drunk and i feel like crap.

I'm a good drunk, though. Bev usually is, too, but she was dating a really fantastic, like man of her dreams type and he ended up being married to another woman. I think she's sadder than she realizes. And angrier. She kept slapping me in a "playful" way, but that shit hurt. In vino veritas, as they say. Fucking bored married men.

06 November 2006

Addendum

I forgot to mention this is the last post: make sure you fucking vote. Those who partake in Nevada have an especially exciting reason this year. But all of us, whether we partake or not, have some re-claiming to do. I know, i know. I'm disillusioned, too, but when you vote, you get to tell all those lying liars, "this is my country, too."

A Promise.

Sorry to leave you high and dry, dear readers. I appreciate your concern. I'm definitely not discouraged by any criticism i've received. On the flip side, i am encouraged by your kind words of support. Currently, i'm trying to figure out how to balance the responsibilities of my offline life with the fun of writing this blog. To make up for my absence and in the spirit of gratitude that's goin' around this month, how about a promise? At least one post a day till Thanksgiving.

All right, now i've made a real commitment in front of God and the internet.

See you tomorrow,
SG

02 November 2006

Ew.

A commentor keeps insisting that my writing style is "victim-y." I am insulted by this to no end. I wish i weren't because i feel like my being insulted only feeds his opinion that i'm a victim. I'm sure that the best, noblest, high-roadiest thing to do would be to ignore him. Thank God i'm not that noble.

I'm angry because i'm doing my best to live my life in a responsible way and take responsibility for both my actions and my emotions. There was a time when i didn't. When i was going out with Th Ex, i was prepared to blame anyone but me for my sorrows. From the inside, i recognize the difference in how my life is shaping.

And blaming God for my troubles doesn't count as victimhood. Like i wrote in last night's post, i've grown to learn that one's relatioship to God is wholly unique. It takes a lot out of a person to be so responsible; sometimes i need to give it up to a higher power. We all feel like victims at some point or another and when i see my mind about to launch into a crazy, self-pitying rant, ("The fucking bank screwimg me over! My fucking Ex screwing me over! Fucking New York City screwing me over!") I try it out on God first. Almost 100% of the time, the fault can be traced back to wrong speech or wrong thinking or wrong action on my part. Because i meditate fairly often, i've gotten used to seeing some of the workings and the patterns of my mind. I do my best not to deny any of those patterns, but rather embrace them all as the unique, lively and bright colors that paint the mural of my mind. Because i'm so very open to all of the parts of my consciousness, my vulnerability may come across to some as victimhood. I read a lot of blogs, especially NYC gossip blogs (my dirty little secret is that i love celebrity gossip, so if you ever have any, let me know.), and there's lots of snarkiness and sarcasm. I'm doing pretty much the opposite here and showing myself to readers when i'm weak and confused and hurt. You might recognize these states of being in yourself; how often is it okay to sit with these states without trying to change them? How often are any of us able to sit in our own awkwardness without trying to cover it up with bravado or cynicism? How often are any of us willing to admit we're scared? But we all are: scared, confused, awkward, angry, "victim-y." We are also all beautiful, loving, strong and kind. One set of qualities isn't better than the other and running away from one and toward another only creates more suffering. Pema Chodron says it better than i do in her book The Wisdom of No Escape.

This is not an improvement plan; it is not a situation in which you try to be better than you are right now. If you have a bad temper and you feel that you harm yourself and others, you might think that sitting for a week or a month will make your bad temper go away- you will be that sweet person you always wanted to be. Never again will a harsh word leave your lily-white lips. The problem is that a desire to change is fundamentally a form of aggression toward yourself. The other problem is that our hang-ups, unfortunately or fortunately, contain our wealth. Our neurosis and our wisdom are made out of the same material. If you throw out your neurosis, you also throw out your wisdom.


By my example of showing myself at my worst, at my most frightened and not running away, i believe i will 1) strike a very deep and real chord in you the readers and 2) suggest that we don't have to hide the crazy as often as we think because everyone else is too busy hiding their own crazy to notice ours.

But this is the Internet and if i'm putting myself out there, i'm prepared to be insulted once in a while or come across someone who's travelling in a very different world than i am. Or maybe even often. So bring it on. I'm my worst critic (as well as my #1 Fan!), therefore it's unlikely you can do more damage than i've already done to myself.

xo,
SG
 

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