I Have Betrayed Myself.

I haven't abandoned you, everybody! Though i'm sure a few of you thought that i was engaging in typical stoner behavior. Starting something off full force and then running at the first signs of success or duress. That ain't it. The minor Ex-drama, combined with two performances, puppy-sitting and a full day of work on Sunday didn't allow me to be a blogger. I was barely able to be a human being. I felt like a sack of skin that had somehow been animated enough to get on and off the subway.

Betrayal is where my hiatus started. Here's the story:

Last Thursday, i was out of weed. The Ex lives a block away from me and we're usually good about providing for one another if necessary. I called him and told him i wouldn't be home till 11.

"Is that too late?"
"Normally, no, but i won't be home."
"Oh."

In the last few weeks, we've had conversations that indicated his sleep-over habits. In the two-and-a-half years that we've been broken up (that's the official count, but we were still hanging out and having dinner and fucking for 18 months after we called it quits), neither of us had talked about dating. My relationship with The Ex was intense from start to finish. I was confused by disbelieving of the fact that any man besides my stepdad could love me. So i spent a lot of the relationship trying to convince The Ex that i wasn't deserving of love. Eventually he believed me and that's when we broke up.

Getting over The Ex was the hardest and best thing i have had to do so far in my life. But since he was the first man i loved who loved me back, i think it's pretty fair that a piece of him is still hanging around my heart. Last Thursday when he told me he wouldn't be home, i decided that i was finally strong enough to know if he was dating. But still too shy to ask over the phone, so i sent him this e-mail:

From: StonedGrrrl

To: The Ex
Date: Oct. 19th, 2:57pm
Subject: I don't want this to be a big deal, but

are you seeing someone?
i don't like you in that way anymore or anything and i recognize that the details of any relationship you have aren't any of my business. but since we still move in the same social circles, i'd prefer to hear it from you than anyone else.
sorry if this is ridiculously awkward.
SG

He sent me this in response:

From: The Ex
To: StonedGrrrl
Date: Oct. 19th, 3:40pm
Subject: Re: I don't want this to be a big deal, but

SG,


We are under no obligation to discuss our personal lives beyond the point that we feel comfortable - regardless of our circle of friends. It is none of my business what you do or whom you see and I wouldn’t expect you to tell me that you were dating someone. Don’t confuse our earlier relationship with our current one. I like that we have stayed in touch but we have to respect each other’s personal boundaries. If I have something to share with you as a friend I will do so when I feel it is appropriate for our friendship. That goes for any friend I have. If I have to go out tonight late you can take that any way you wish but it has nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

I don’t mean to sound harsh because I am not angry I just want to be clear because I feel this is very important. We haven’t had any problems for a long time and I feel that it is because we have usually been very accessible to each other. But tonight I need to go out and I am sorry that I can’t help you out.

The Ex

I was stunned. The warmth that i feel from him when we hang out gave me no precedent for the sharpness of this e-mail. I will admit to you that when he and i were together, i was a crazy, hot mess. But we have both evolved a lot and we have managed to develop a friendship that is both respectful and kind. I mean, i thought it was. Here's what i wrote back:

From: StonedGrrrl
To: The Ex
Date: Oct. 19th, 2:57pm
Subject: I don't want this to be a big deal, but

what i envisioned when i wrote you was that you would say yes and i would say, "that's great. i hope you're happy. i hope she's nice." or you would say no, and i would make a joke like, "why not? you're a catch!" and then, having moved past that obstacle, we could move into like a jerry seinfeld/elaine bennis relationship where we could actually talk about the people we're seeing.

your response really hurt my feelings and made me question whether i want to be your friend. i asked if you were seeing someone because i finally felt like i was able to take the answer whatever it might be. maybe the e-mail translation didn't work, but i even tried to make it a little light-hearted.

i'm not confusing our earlier relationship with our current, but i do acknowledge the deep impact that our earlier relationship had on me. if i were seeing someone, i would tell you because anything that works out for me in the future has a lot to do with the painful lessons i learned with you. i know you said you weren't angry, but i infer from the tone of your e-mail that you must have incredibly deep feelings of resentment toward me. it makes me question whether you want to be my friend.

i'm so upset with you right now. i didn't deserve the harshness of your e-mail and i deserve to be treated better by someone who calls himself my friend.

i'll read this in the morning and perhaps regret it, but right now it is how i feel.

SG

He wrote back and apologized and said he was taken aback by the timing of my question, blah blah blah.

I think his being taken aback was a good thing. It made him show his true colors, so to speak, in terms of how he feel about me. His e-mail showed me that deep down he doesn't really trust me. Just like how one's family can't really see one as anything but a ten-year-old, he continues to see me as the overly fragile, self-absorbed person that i used to be, despite the fact that i have evolved past that. Often when i've gotten in touch with him to hang out, i feel that he's suspicious that i still have a thing for him or that i'm gonna crumble into pieces again. Whether or not he realizes that he's sending out those feelings of mistrust and suspicion, i am receiving them. And it feels really shitty to be on the receiving end.

I think his being taken aback was a very good thing. For a while, i had been telling myself that i was so happy that things between us were solid and that we were still really good friends. His e-mail forced me to re-evaluate that perspective. It's very telling that he writes, " I like that we have stayed in touch but we have to respect each other's personal boundaries, " instead of "i like that we have stayed friends." He's right; we've stayed in touch. But what i see now is that we hang out when one of needs weed or at parties. That's barely a friendship.

It strikes me that this all came down over my lack of weed. The Ex and i were stoned for most of our relationship. I was often too strung out to see things as they really were and instead developed paranoid situations in my mind of him cheating on me and telling all of his friends that i was worthless. Who knows if it would have been any better without weed?

I want The Ex to move away and never talk to me again and at the same time, i want him back so i can prove to him that i'm not the selfish, manipulative, scared little girl i was when we were together. I've been over him for a while now and have dated and kissed and been naked with other boys since him. I feel betrayed by my own emotions that i should even be entertaining the thought of getting back together with him. But what do i do if that's really how i feel?

I'm letting his scrap of a friendship go for now. Even though we don't hang out that much, i see now that it's been a burden on my heart to keep thinking of him as my friend. It's too tiring to worry constantly if i have or if i'm going to cross a line with him. It's too tiring not to be trusted. It's too tiring to keep thinking i've made amends only to discover that he still has some very negative feelings toward me. Maybe, after all i put him through, (and ladies and gentlemen, it was A LOT), i don't deserve to be his friend.

Oh, well.

Anyone in NYC check out the Stony Awards last night? Who won? Lemme know.

SG

p.s. i missed you guys.