Ghosts.

I spent the day cleaning up and cleaning out my bedroom. It seems like i got rid of more than i kept and i feel empty now. A lot of the discarded debris was related to The Ex. A couple years ago, i thought i would hold onto those ticket stubs and love-notes scrawled on the back of Junior's receipts for the rest of my (our) life. When i lived down in Virginia for a few months and he stayed up here, we wrote letters at least once a week. I kept those. I didn't read them, except small glimpses as i folded them away. "I love you very much." "When you come back, the first thing we do is see Return of the King." "Our hearts can hide when it getd hard." We loved each other. If those letters are true, we loved each other.

I threw out the ghosts of things i intended to do and to be. Knitting needles and black and white film and student loan bills that have yet to be paid. I kept all of the photos. When i look at my younger self, i always think, "I was so much prettier than i thought i was back then." I wanted so many different things back then than i do today. But i don't even know what i want. I want to fall in love. I want to make more money. I want to stop feeling like so much of a fuck-up. I want to stop being haunted by the ghosts of who i used to be.