Mexican Food.

I sat in my favorite Mexican restaurant in Brooklyn tonight sipping a poorly blended piña colada, waiting for my take-out and wondering if i looked like a loser for getting take-out alone on a Thursday night. "I'm going out later tonight," i kinda wanted to reassure the couple that were seated in the dining area, minding their own business, not giving a damn whether i was solo or maybe being jealous of people who had the option of a guiltless dinner-for-one without leaving behind boyfriendgirlfriendspousepartnerbabykids. I used to take myself out to brunch every weekend in the months after i graduated from college. Once, my friend Jael and a friend of hers passed the restaurant where i was brunching alfrescro. Spontaneously running into her was fantastic, but when she asked if they could join me, i politely, yet resolutely said no. Is it appropriate to use "resolutely" here? A little fancy, no? Anyway. She, her friend, and the waitress all stopped, pausing to play back the words i had just said. "Oh. She said no and yet my body is moving as though she'd said yes. Pause. Back up."

My alone time is still important to me, but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm using my comfort with aloneness as a way to cover up the fact that i'm kinda chicken when it comes to going out. I got comfortable with being alone because i was alone more often than not as a kid. And as a kid, when i was alone in my house, it meant that i was not with my parents. It was so much less stressful to be away from them.

That's one of the things i look forward to when i'm in a relationship again: comfort with another person as if i were with myself. It was like that with The Ex, but look where that got us.

I gotta grow some balls when it comes to the whole getting of a boyfriend. But the fantasizing is so easy and hot. Continuous video of our imagined first real conversation, our first drink, our first dinner, our first night together, our first kiss, &c. Re-editing and re-shooting and re-editing till the moment is exactly the way that i think that i want it to be in order to make sure the Universe gives me exactly the opposite of what i want. The Universe is like that with me; it plays dirty tricks. So do i. I believe we have an understanding.

Just a few more hours to go in the longest night. Just a few more days in a pretty long year. Whatever you call your celebrations around this time of year, i think at heart, we're all just saying, "I shoulda beennicer to you, but at least we made it through. Here's to not being an asshole in '07!"

We're all gonna get it right eventually.

SG